Moments of Grace

On Monday all of us visited Rachel and my praxis site, San Ramon. Our first stop was Anita’s house, home base of the Christian Base Community that we will be accompanying this semester. We sat down with Anita, Gustavo, and Hector (who is also one of the night guards at Casa Romero) so that they could explain the principles of their community and a little bit about what they do. They started to talk about how the Gospel is central to their work: they strive to live out its message and follow Jesus daily with their actions. As they began to speak, I could feel myself start to tear up. It was nothing in particular that they said. Their work and their mission and their ideals are beautiful, but I don’t think that was it. As they started to talk, I had this unbelievable feeling of peace and of certainty. In that moment I knew that I was exactly where I was supposed to be. As a junior in college, faced with all of the overwhelming questions about what the heck I’m going to do with my life, this was an incredible moment of grace.

Throughout the day, the feelings of peace and certainty persisted. We hiked up the volcano to Las Nubes and La Valencia, two very rural communities served by the Christian Base Community. The hike up was beautiful, with stunning views of the volcano and the city of San Salvador. In Las Nubes and La Valencia we visited a couple of the older women in the community. Their strength, sense of humor, and faith are unbelievable. I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to accompany these communities and these women this semester. Although I was really impacted by the first praxis site that we visited, this one really felt like mine.

On Sunday night we had a tribute to Dean Brackley at Kevin and Trena’s house. Dean was one of the Jesuits who volunteered to replace the Jesuit martyrs in El Salvador during the Civil War, and Casa de la Solidaridad was largely his idea. He died two years ago after battling pancreatic cancer. We watched videos with some of his lectures, pictures, quotes, and some testimonies about his legacy. He seemed like an incredible person, someone who really lived his faith. The thing that impacted me the most about the night was one of the stories that one of our professors, and his dear friend, told us about Dean. He said that when Dean was in the seminary studying to be a priest, he struggled a lot with his faith. He wasn’t even sure that he should be ordained because he had so many doubts. He confessed these doubts to his good friend (and fellow rockstar) Dorothy Day. She told him, “Read your Hegel, read all of your philosophy, continue your intellectual pursuit of faith, but never allow that to become all that your faith is.”

Wow. Lately I have struggled a lot with my Catholic faith. Since I started studying Theology in college, I’ve found many more questions than answers. The more that I learn about God and the Church, the more I realize how much I don’t know. I’ve been getting really frustrated lately. It’s hard to transition from being so absolutely sure of my beliefs in high school to now having a lot of uncertainty and doubt. Dorothy Day’s advice was so important for me to hear. My faith is not solely the sum of my doubts. I can continue to question, continue to study and continue to seek the Truth, while also realizing that my faith is much more than that.

In San Ramon I was reminded that to have faith is to live it out. They do this every day by showing God’s love to the people in their community. I hope that I can really learn how to do that this semester.

Bienvenidas a San Salvador

This semester I’m participating in a study abroad program called Casa de la Solidaridad. The program focuses on accompaniment, which means that rather than trying to do service or “fix” something, our goal is to walk with people, to get to know them and to understand how they live. I’m living in community with five other US students, six becari@s (Salvadoran scholarship students participating in the Romero program), and three community coordinators. We live pretty simply: no hot water (surprise!), no internet, and we wash our clothes by hand. Everything is really comfortable and pretty though. Our house is in Antiguo Cuscatlan in San Salvador and is in walking distance of the UCA (the Jesuit University where we take our classes), the grocery store, the Casa program directors’ house, and lots of little shops and restaurants. San Salvador is gorgeous. We’re completely surrounded by mountains and trees. As I write this I can see the sun set over the mountains. So beautiful.

One of the coolest aspects of the program is the Praxis sites. We’ve been assigned in pairs to different sites that we will be visiting every Monday and Wednesday from about 8 am to 4 pm. Each site is different, but the goal of each is to practice accompaniment and to grow in understanding of what it is to be a Salvadoran. El Salvador is a country that struggles with violence and poverty. We’ve been learning especially about the Civil War that took place in the 80s. Many of the people who we will be accompanying suffered a lot from this war and continue to suffer and struggle for survival today.

Yesterday we visited Annie and Alivia’s Praxis site, Tepecoyo. We were dropped off in the town of Tepecoyo and hiked up to the small village of Zacamil. There we met Yovani, a young man who became a paraplegic in a working accident several years ago. We spoke to Yovani and his mother about their experience and the struggles to continue to provide care for Yovani, as well as to afford basic necessities, like food. Then we traveled back down to Tepecoyo and had lunch with Angelica, a Salvadoran woman who runs a comedor out of her house for poor children in the area. She spoke to us about the founding of the comedor, describing how even though her family struggled financially, her heart broke to see the young mothers who could not even afford any food for their family. She opened a comedor where she feeds many of the poorest children in the village.

After visiting Angelica, we traveled to a couple of the houses in the village to visit with people. One of the women, Ana, talked to us for a long time about her experience. She lives with another family because they can’t afford to live separately; building materials are too expensive. She told us that when she was growing up, she wasn’t able to receive much of an education. Her parents didn’t encourage her to get an education, and teachers were rarely available in her village. Sometimes teachers would show up, but it was very sporadic. Because she was denied an education, she tries very hard to make sure that her children can go to school. One of her children hopes to become a nurse, but Ana told us that she is doubtful that they will even be able to afford for her to go to high school. Ana was incredibly open and generous sharing her story with us.

A few things really struck me about our experiences in Tepecoyo. The first is the incredible faith that these people have. Yovani and his mother have undergone incredible hardship, yet throughout their testimony they continued to say “Thanks to God” for this, and “God willing” about that… They never once blamed or questioned God for their struggles. Talking to Angelica and Ana was a similar story. Trena, one of the program directors, asked Ana how she was surviving. The coffee crop was extraordinarily poor this season, so people were unable to earn money harvesting it. Even in a good season, people might earn $10 for a full day of harvesting with a large family. Ana replied that they were praying, and they had to trust that God would take care of them.

In another story, Ana told us that her oldest daughter was working in a factory. She had only gotten up to third grade in school, and even basic things like counting are difficult for her. One day, she was told that she would have to start numbering things at her job. She came home in a panic, sure that she would lose her job because she wouldn’t be able to do the tasks she had been assigned. Ana told her to pray, and God would carry her through it. She came home the next day completely amazed. God had indeed taken care of her; somehow she was able to do all of the things she had been assigned.

I’m in awe of their amazing faith. So often I struggle to trust God in my life, and I haven’t faced anything close to the struggles that these people have gone through. It’s incredible and inspiring to see how strong their faith and their gratitude to God is. Even when it seems that they have nothing, they find the strength to praise God for the blessing of being alive.

The second was the idea of my own privilege. I don’t understand why I was given so much, why I was born in the United States, free from the fear of violence, free to study whatever I choose, free to voice my opinions… I’ve been blessed with so many things, so many opportunities. Talking to Ana about her struggle to provide an education for her children, the struggle to afford food, and the daily fight for survival was heartbreaking and confusing. How could she respect me for standing in front of her, full from eating lunch at Angelica’s, confident that I knew where my next meal was coming from, and carrying with me all of the other certainties and privileges I’ve been given? No matter how poor I choose to be, no matter how much I try to be in solidarity and to accompany these beautiful Salvadoran people, that will always be something that I choose, and something that I can return from. It’s hard to understand why, and I’m sure it’s something that I’ll have to continue to confront while I’m here. I hope that through reflection I can find a way to carry this experience and the experiences of all of the people that I meet with me when I return.

A Full Moon In Each Eye

With That Moon Language

Admit something: Everyone you see, you say to them, "Love me."

Of course you do not do this out loud, otherwise someone would call the cops.

Still though, think about this, this great pull in us to connect. Why not become the one who lives with a full moon in each eye that is always saying, with that sweet moon language, What every other eye in this world is dying to hear?

-Hafiz

This is one of my favorite poems and something that I've been reflecting on a lot lately. Often times I think I'm afraid to love people or to be open and vulnerable. I almost forget that all people want to be acknowledged, cared about, and loved, and that I have the ability to do that for every person that I encounter. As I start my semester in El Salvador, I hope I can take to heart this idea of living "with a full moon in each eye." I hope that I can love and accept and learn about every person that I meet. 

Throughout my semester in El Salvador, I'll be posting reflections and updates here. Thanks for all of the prayers, and know that you're all in my thoughts and prayers as well!