Moments of Grace

On Monday all of us visited Rachel and my praxis site, San Ramon. Our first stop was Anita’s house, home base of the Christian Base Community that we will be accompanying this semester. We sat down with Anita, Gustavo, and Hector (who is also one of the night guards at Casa Romero) so that they could explain the principles of their community and a little bit about what they do. They started to talk about how the Gospel is central to their work: they strive to live out its message and follow Jesus daily with their actions. As they began to speak, I could feel myself start to tear up. It was nothing in particular that they said. Their work and their mission and their ideals are beautiful, but I don’t think that was it. As they started to talk, I had this unbelievable feeling of peace and of certainty. In that moment I knew that I was exactly where I was supposed to be. As a junior in college, faced with all of the overwhelming questions about what the heck I’m going to do with my life, this was an incredible moment of grace.

Throughout the day, the feelings of peace and certainty persisted. We hiked up the volcano to Las Nubes and La Valencia, two very rural communities served by the Christian Base Community. The hike up was beautiful, with stunning views of the volcano and the city of San Salvador. In Las Nubes and La Valencia we visited a couple of the older women in the community. Their strength, sense of humor, and faith are unbelievable. I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to accompany these communities and these women this semester. Although I was really impacted by the first praxis site that we visited, this one really felt like mine.

On Sunday night we had a tribute to Dean Brackley at Kevin and Trena’s house. Dean was one of the Jesuits who volunteered to replace the Jesuit martyrs in El Salvador during the Civil War, and Casa de la Solidaridad was largely his idea. He died two years ago after battling pancreatic cancer. We watched videos with some of his lectures, pictures, quotes, and some testimonies about his legacy. He seemed like an incredible person, someone who really lived his faith. The thing that impacted me the most about the night was one of the stories that one of our professors, and his dear friend, told us about Dean. He said that when Dean was in the seminary studying to be a priest, he struggled a lot with his faith. He wasn’t even sure that he should be ordained because he had so many doubts. He confessed these doubts to his good friend (and fellow rockstar) Dorothy Day. She told him, “Read your Hegel, read all of your philosophy, continue your intellectual pursuit of faith, but never allow that to become all that your faith is.”

Wow. Lately I have struggled a lot with my Catholic faith. Since I started studying Theology in college, I’ve found many more questions than answers. The more that I learn about God and the Church, the more I realize how much I don’t know. I’ve been getting really frustrated lately. It’s hard to transition from being so absolutely sure of my beliefs in high school to now having a lot of uncertainty and doubt. Dorothy Day’s advice was so important for me to hear. My faith is not solely the sum of my doubts. I can continue to question, continue to study and continue to seek the Truth, while also realizing that my faith is much more than that.

In San Ramon I was reminded that to have faith is to live it out. They do this every day by showing God’s love to the people in their community. I hope that I can really learn how to do that this semester.